changed my mind :)

I am so sorry blogger i def. switched over to the evil that is tumblr. haha to be honest i do love it, it has been fun and i'm gunna keep it but instead of just giving all my attention to one blog, i have decided to use both...i feel like i used to get a lot more out on here and with tumblr i feel like i like to post a lot of things that correspond with my current mood like songs and posts and stuff but I feel like i truly got to express myself on here so here i am, back to basics.
A lot has changed since my moving day, and really thank god! Once again, the saying that you live and you learn could not pertain more to my life than it has over the past few months. I wont bore with the details of before, instead I’ll just talk about what is currently going on. Well it’s been a bumpy couple of weeks that I really thought I was going to have a mental breakdown through at points, and let me tell you that the vivid dreams that I have been having lately have not been helping me much...actually they have been more like night terrors, kid cudi styles. But of the dreams that I have remembered (and i’d like to thank iPhone notes for allowing me to log this as soon as i wake up, crust in my eyes and all) I have found some very interesting interpretations that I’m gunna share...


1. I had a dream that I was getting a breast reduction. (So random)

2. A dream that I was being harassed in a pool by two guys and a girl and that they were like threatening to drown me and shit and then I tried to get help from the front desk after one of their friends bated their names out to me but as I went to the reception, they were already checking out and they got away with harassing me. On top of that oddly enough the receptionist that said she would make sure she would do everything in her power to help me left and there was a new girl there that didn’t know my situation at all. So here are the closest meanings that I could find...


Dream One:

Breasts

To see breasts in your dream, symbolize primal nourishment and your need to be nursed and care for. The breasts represent motherhood, nurturance, and infantile dependency. Alternatively, breasts indicate sexual arousal and raw energy.


Small

To dream that someone or something is smaller than usual, represents feelings of insignificance, helplessness and unworthiness. Alternatively, you may be literally trying to "knock" this person down to size. Perhaps it suggests that you or someone in your life has an inflated ego and need to be taught a lesson


Dream Two:

Pool
To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. Alternatively, a pool indicates your desire to be cleansed. You need to wash away the past.

Swimming Pool
To see a swimming pool in your dream, symbolizes relaxation, calmness, luxury and ease. You need to take a break. Alternatively, a swimming pool suggests that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. You need to cleanse yourself and wash away those past hurts.

Drowning
To dream that you are drowning, indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed by emotions. Repressed issues may be coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to discover your unconscious thoughts. You should proceed more cautiously and slowly.

It’s so weird because lately my dreams have been really spot on with feelings in my life. I think that it is time that I start to relax more, slow down the party scene and actually be the way i used to be, enjoy the past times that I used to have that would help me escape from all of the problems that I had and in many cases see them through a different light and develop a sense of clarity. I think it is time that I start taking care of myself and my body instead of running it into the ground. I have been feeling lately as though I am straying away from the qualities that I really love about myself, sometimes it feels as though it is all out of my control and other times I just feel back to normal and everything feels perfect. However, we all know that the feeling of perfection never last forever..I strive to be the best person that I can be but I find myself holding hate in my heart lately, not wanting to let things go, and being more stern than usual...I mean, most people may think that that’s a good thing. Maybe it is time that I develop an even thicker backbone than before but at the same time I feel like such a bitch when I start being more stern than usual, when i start putting my foot down and realizing that some things are not meant to be moved past and some situations are life lessons that you have to learn from and you can’t learn if you keep putting yourself back into the same situations. But if i don’t give people time to grow and give them a chance to change then how can I honestly just walk away even if they have done such brutal things to me?

I guess that I am just overwhelmed right now with what is right and what is wrong or when one should simply just say that it’s been too much. I don’t know when it is time to call a friendship quits.. when it renders more hurt in the long run than happiness? Or do you believe in the person that you know still exists underneath it all. Is it fair that the people that are closest to you will be the ones that will hurt you the most? I don’t think that it should work that way but I can easily see how it can. It is a lot easier to be so comfortable with someone that you think that you can just work through anything and then you feel like you can be yourself so much to the point where you may just end up hurting them even if you don’t mean to. I mean I am no angel. I can say that in the past I have hurt people that I cared about so much. Maybe I need to let nature take its course again and see what the future holds and accept that in the end, I am going to be hurt again. But does that just mean that im asking for it when it happens again? All great questions I suppose that we only understand with time.

Until next time....

moving day!

ha...i put that exclamation there but in all reality i could really rip my hair out. the fact that i'm moving 7 floors down in my condo is prolly the most ridiculous thing i could be doing...but whatever. not much i can do about it now. However, the best part about moving is the fact that you get to come across a bunch of shit that...well let's face it, you have been keeping around for absolutely no reason. and each time you have some sort of move or clean up (it seems i move a lot more than most), you find a way to convince yourself that you have certain things that you will for SURE use again. it's really funny how often it happens actually & i'm sure we've all been through it. It goes a little something like this... "OMG i forgot about this!" *think to yourself about the good times with this thing* "oh man, good times, I'm totally gunna bring this back!"...."but do i really need it?"....."yeah man it's soo sick, i'm totally gunna use this again now that i found it" FUNNNY CAUSE I NEVER USE IT AGAIN. there is CLEARLY a reason why it was lost in the first place...to never ever be found again and IF FOUND to be on the nearest value village shelf entertaining the life of something else. I literally just found a binder from like..the 10th grade...and wont throw it out because i may use that information one day...AS IF i havent gotten smarter in 9 years?!? the worst part is that i realize the ridiculousness and can't even fight it.

on that note..i should get back to it.
but i have finally seen the new place (yes i move into places i dont look at, good for me lol) and its SO MUCH NICER. im uber stokedddd!

until next time...

madd chillz.

http://www.myspace.com/finkmusic

seasons cease to change and...

so much has happened i don't even know where to begin.
some things all too shocking. some things that could have been pre determined. however; the point being that the past month has taught me one thing if nething at all. never get too comfortable.

sometimes you can be pleasantly surprised by the outcomes of situations. Sometimes it was the closure you needed all along or an opening to a door that you never knew existed.

Which brings me to a really interesting point here. What is the facisination with the idea of closure? I know that many people like to think that without closure from another individual, we have some sort of barrier that keeps us from moving on. And my question is...Are we in fact our own barriers?

I mean we need a few sentences that are strung together perfectly in order to have the ability to say..alright. NOW i can move on. couldn't we cut the bullshit and just do this all on our own? Do we really need the asshole, or the jerk, or even the shitty friend to make up what they think you want to hear in order for us to enable ourselves to move on?

I think that the main thing here is that we are obsessed with the concept of moving on, showing that we could move on, and proving to that person or that situation that they no longer bare the significance that they once did.

If i'm not mistaken, that very act of verification just throws us right back to where we didn't want to be. We begin to praise ourselves for how far we've come, and how little we think about certain things or people anymore, all while thinking about them?

So in short, is closure just a temporary fix for a bursting wound?, a bandaid when you need stitches?

I am guilty as well for believing in something that I thought would help me eventually move on. The times that worked the best were actually the times when I accepted the situation for what it was and dealt with it. Is it really necessary to get the rephrasing of the same result, label it as closure, and then start your healing process?

Speaking of being guilty. I will be on my way to Alberta as of august. sounds lovely right? I am torn between three people and having to make time to see all of them. I really was going to see walker the whole time but I just NEED to see jay. and let's just say when I told walker this, he wasn't exactly thrilled.

Here's the thing. I totally don't want to be that girl that runs along and see her boy while she should be visting her bestie that she hasn't seen since effing october. However, there is so much that I need to see Jay for, so much we need to work out and discuss and as much as I would love to spend all this time with Walker, I think that he should be a little more understanding.

Basically he's stated that it's my vacation. I shouldn't be spending all of this extra time on fixing things with jay and making sure that things are good with us. In a way i do agree, but...I can't just go to Alberta and not see Jay. At this point I don't even know what emotions I'm feeling for seeing him. everything is so all over the place...which is part of the reason why I want to do it. See him, and know finally after 6 months what I want and what I want to do.

Walker calls Jay my broken record. Everytime I say that things will be different this time he says he's heard it all before and honestly, he has. But it is so hard to distinguish the real reason behind this whole walker episode. I know that he's just looking out for his best friend and i don't blame him really. I just feel like I know the situation better than anyone and I know that jay and I have some unfinishess business to settle...bad timing? probably. Now i'm torn. and on top of this Jay and Kevin are fighting?!?! ...this should be interesting trying to have those boys together in one room. fml. until next time...

i'm not boring...it's just neglect.

orrr maybe i have been a lil boring lately which really means that i haven't been getting out of control everyday. I actually live for the weekends now, live for the patio friday afternoons and actualy sleep before 5 am...mainly because i now have to get up at 5am for work.

I KNOW.

i am not what one would call a *morning* person..however; it seems as though the universe is always forcing me to become one...even after i have clearly displayed my love for sleeping in.

newho, the new jobbie is going well!..minus the fact that my team consists of..well mainly just me right now...funn.. :|..although i know that it wont be like that forever, so for right now i've just been givener..hans solo.

things have been virtually carefree. But. and there always is one. We all know that that calm is ALWAYS before a storm. just when i thought that I had everything figured out (i'm styll gunna cling on to the idea that i do) the universe has a way of throwing u a curveball just to see if actions will really speak louder than words.

I hoping that they will. Its crazy to go from missing someone, to forgetting that u really missed them at all, to dealing with the fact that ur busy and wouldnt have time to miss them anyway and then out of nowhere...they are back in ur life. full force. and ur floored.

i guess fall out boy really was right right when they made bang the doldrums.
Best friends, Ex friends till the end, Better off as lovers and not the other way around.

to be honest I am really enjoying the carefree times...but i think it may be time to push the envelope again.

or maybe not.

time will be the judge of that one.

T

crossing fingers!!!!

omg this day is sooo big. this could be the beginning of the rest of my life pretty much. I am waiting to hear back from the job that i had my second interview with yesterday. It felt like it went really well and and if i get the job i start on monday! which will be sooo sweet! i'm reallly excited for this. I am really hoping that I snipe this opportunity! Thank god for linkedin...that's how they found me...i was starting to think that that thing was pretty worthless but i totally change my mind! what an awesome network that thing is when it is used to its full potential! ahhh crazy! newhooo wish me luckk! cross your fingers and toes!

day seven.

so it's been seven days since a certain someone has decided that i am not worth talking to over a stupid dilemma that isnt even my fault. I am frustrated beyond belief, annoyed, irritated, well...i guess you all get the point. all in all i am none too pleased. however; as i was sitting around thinking about what a bummer it is, i couldn't help but think about how many times i sit in a position just like this, or similar to this and it's time to face it...most of the time it is just simply not worth stressing over.

easier said than done?

i think not.

why do we always think that the things that are best for us are easier said that done to achieve? It is almost like we live in a world where we think that we should be punished for things just because we all know that no one is perfect. So because nobody is perfect we make excuses for the things that go wrong and the people that cause them, giving second chances, faking romances, when in fact we shouldn't be doing this at all. what we shoudld be doing is realizing how much we do in fact deserve and then never settling for anything less than that. what on earth is the point of allowing yourself to feel shitty at the mercy of someone elses actions, immature actions at that.

As intelligent humans, we all know when we have done something wrong. To accept that and to own up to it is already a huge thing on its own but it is to actually mean it that means the most. And being genuine about whatever your issue is, shines through beyond anything and enables people to forgive you.

Don't get my wrong, my point here is not to say that we should never forgive, i actually cannot say that I am one to believe in grudges or hold them at all. What I am saying is that it is important to forgive for the right reasons, know why you are forgiving, and know that the apology is genuine. However, it is not okay to let just anyone be worthy of your forgiveness. I feel like there needs to be a point where you draw the line for self respect.

It seems as though i have been blinded too many times, thought i've known somebody, thought they actually understood me and then boom. you're blindsided, left without a clue and are expected to wait until they are ready to make it better. This concept is not only ridiculous to me because it is happening now, but more ridiculous because i have let it happen before and i refuse to let it happen again.

Ignoring and avoiding a situation does not make anything better. It adds frustration and hatred to a situation that could EASILY be avoided if both parties decided to be adults at the same time. If this is an issue now, who's to say that it won't be one in the future? even bigger in nature?

As much as people tell me this situation can be saved, and that things will work out, i can't help but ask myself if that is what i really want. Do i really want to go back to a situation where something is held over my head and thrown in my face when the time comes? Something that could have easily been avoided with a little compromise? By day seven i feel as though i should be moving past not running in place; and the only reason why i am running in place is because i cannot discuss my issue with the other party.

So at the end of the day i ask you this..

Will day seven be the day that you finally let yourself deserve better?