alright...so i'm on my way to peterborough again tomorrow for the second weekend in a row...last weekend..well just thursday and friday, oh and i guess a bit of saturday was rowdyyyy. I woke up to glasses of wine, beer, and well...the unthinkable really.
actually unthinkable, cuz i don't remember much. expect for making some decisons I am well aware now that I should not have.
It's weird. when you have a certain connection with someone and you've had it for going on five years. OMG now that i think of it...5 years is RIDICULOUS. over the top. EXTENSIVE, EXCESSIVE. i can't believe that i just put it into perspective like that...basically when you have an ongoing understanding with someone its so hard to break away from it. even when you think uve fallen for other people, and oftentimes you don't even have to convince urself that ur over the 5 year fling you just know that you are...that is...until you see the person again. This is exactly what happened to me. im weak. i caved. and i have someone else who i know all in all that i connect with just as well if not better. I guess it's a matter of who is around at what time. Peterborough was a time that shouldnt have happened. I already know what is at stake. We get too emotionally attached to one another and we take turns doing it. For a couple of years I was the one that wanted so much more, wanted to make things work, wanted more than just the fling and now it's the other way around which is insane cuz now i totally know how he felt and he totally knows how i felt.
anyway, ill spare everyone, including myself and my brain that just seems to be voming thru my fingertips onto this blog. so anyway, point being i fell into the trap again and fuelled this almost 5 year fling. I guess they arent called flings after years ehh...its just messed up cuz i know how much i like this other guy. it is ridic...in all reality were sooo good for each other but the distance just kills it. I am sooo not willing to do long distance again after my first go at things..it wasn't so...well...lets just say it didnt end well. nevertheless, i know it would be different this time around but i simply dont want a boyfriend. There were times where i thought that i was just trying to convince myself of it...but no. I actually mean it now...I cant see the good that can come out of a relationship for me right now. i am in a stage right now where i just want to be selfish and do my own thing and not have to worry enough for two people. it's just pointless right now. I want to be able to not feel bad if im just having a good time and happen to be attracted to someone else...
the problem is that i want the best of both worlds. and I hate myself for it (k whoa hate is strong) but i feel like i shud be able to take what i dish right. But for some reason at times i styll feel guilty about things..like my actions in peterborough last weekend...i had to come home and tell someone that i really care about over msn that i made bad choices and read all about his disappointment when really i caused it all. But he has too much pride to admit, i have too much pride to admit that i feel bad cuz that just leads to "the convo" the convo that i dont want to have that determines things. I have to breakdown everything im thinking and after seeing my rambling i dont think that such a good idea...in face its a great way of pushing ppl away that i claim to care about. fml.
the plan is that i have to go to peterborough and just have a good time. just have fun. but not too much fun. How do u explain to someone that u care about them so much that you dont want to be with them. and that u styll like them so much that u dont wanna tell them. and that u styll fall for someone else everytime u see them but it means nothing. it means so little that u risk it anyway for someone who means everything.
sooo much food for thought that i'm full just looking at this.
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