moving day!

ha...i put that exclamation there but in all reality i could really rip my hair out. the fact that i'm moving 7 floors down in my condo is prolly the most ridiculous thing i could be doing...but whatever. not much i can do about it now. However, the best part about moving is the fact that you get to come across a bunch of shit that...well let's face it, you have been keeping around for absolutely no reason. and each time you have some sort of move or clean up (it seems i move a lot more than most), you find a way to convince yourself that you have certain things that you will for SURE use again. it's really funny how often it happens actually & i'm sure we've all been through it. It goes a little something like this... "OMG i forgot about this!" *think to yourself about the good times with this thing* "oh man, good times, I'm totally gunna bring this back!"...."but do i really need it?"....."yeah man it's soo sick, i'm totally gunna use this again now that i found it" FUNNNY CAUSE I NEVER USE IT AGAIN. there is CLEARLY a reason why it was lost in the first place...to never ever be found again and IF FOUND to be on the nearest value village shelf entertaining the life of something else. I literally just found a binder from like..the 10th grade...and wont throw it out because i may use that information one day...AS IF i havent gotten smarter in 9 years?!? the worst part is that i realize the ridiculousness and can't even fight it.

on that note..i should get back to it.
but i have finally seen the new place (yes i move into places i dont look at, good for me lol) and its SO MUCH NICER. im uber stokedddd!

until next time...

madd chillz.

http://www.myspace.com/finkmusic

seasons cease to change and...

so much has happened i don't even know where to begin.
some things all too shocking. some things that could have been pre determined. however; the point being that the past month has taught me one thing if nething at all. never get too comfortable.

sometimes you can be pleasantly surprised by the outcomes of situations. Sometimes it was the closure you needed all along or an opening to a door that you never knew existed.

Which brings me to a really interesting point here. What is the facisination with the idea of closure? I know that many people like to think that without closure from another individual, we have some sort of barrier that keeps us from moving on. And my question is...Are we in fact our own barriers?

I mean we need a few sentences that are strung together perfectly in order to have the ability to say..alright. NOW i can move on. couldn't we cut the bullshit and just do this all on our own? Do we really need the asshole, or the jerk, or even the shitty friend to make up what they think you want to hear in order for us to enable ourselves to move on?

I think that the main thing here is that we are obsessed with the concept of moving on, showing that we could move on, and proving to that person or that situation that they no longer bare the significance that they once did.

If i'm not mistaken, that very act of verification just throws us right back to where we didn't want to be. We begin to praise ourselves for how far we've come, and how little we think about certain things or people anymore, all while thinking about them?

So in short, is closure just a temporary fix for a bursting wound?, a bandaid when you need stitches?

I am guilty as well for believing in something that I thought would help me eventually move on. The times that worked the best were actually the times when I accepted the situation for what it was and dealt with it. Is it really necessary to get the rephrasing of the same result, label it as closure, and then start your healing process?

Speaking of being guilty. I will be on my way to Alberta as of august. sounds lovely right? I am torn between three people and having to make time to see all of them. I really was going to see walker the whole time but I just NEED to see jay. and let's just say when I told walker this, he wasn't exactly thrilled.

Here's the thing. I totally don't want to be that girl that runs along and see her boy while she should be visting her bestie that she hasn't seen since effing october. However, there is so much that I need to see Jay for, so much we need to work out and discuss and as much as I would love to spend all this time with Walker, I think that he should be a little more understanding.

Basically he's stated that it's my vacation. I shouldn't be spending all of this extra time on fixing things with jay and making sure that things are good with us. In a way i do agree, but...I can't just go to Alberta and not see Jay. At this point I don't even know what emotions I'm feeling for seeing him. everything is so all over the place...which is part of the reason why I want to do it. See him, and know finally after 6 months what I want and what I want to do.

Walker calls Jay my broken record. Everytime I say that things will be different this time he says he's heard it all before and honestly, he has. But it is so hard to distinguish the real reason behind this whole walker episode. I know that he's just looking out for his best friend and i don't blame him really. I just feel like I know the situation better than anyone and I know that jay and I have some unfinishess business to settle...bad timing? probably. Now i'm torn. and on top of this Jay and Kevin are fighting?!?! ...this should be interesting trying to have those boys together in one room. fml. until next time...

i'm not boring...it's just neglect.

orrr maybe i have been a lil boring lately which really means that i haven't been getting out of control everyday. I actually live for the weekends now, live for the patio friday afternoons and actualy sleep before 5 am...mainly because i now have to get up at 5am for work.

I KNOW.

i am not what one would call a *morning* person..however; it seems as though the universe is always forcing me to become one...even after i have clearly displayed my love for sleeping in.

newho, the new jobbie is going well!..minus the fact that my team consists of..well mainly just me right now...funn.. :|..although i know that it wont be like that forever, so for right now i've just been givener..hans solo.

things have been virtually carefree. But. and there always is one. We all know that that calm is ALWAYS before a storm. just when i thought that I had everything figured out (i'm styll gunna cling on to the idea that i do) the universe has a way of throwing u a curveball just to see if actions will really speak louder than words.

I hoping that they will. Its crazy to go from missing someone, to forgetting that u really missed them at all, to dealing with the fact that ur busy and wouldnt have time to miss them anyway and then out of nowhere...they are back in ur life. full force. and ur floored.

i guess fall out boy really was right right when they made bang the doldrums.
Best friends, Ex friends till the end, Better off as lovers and not the other way around.

to be honest I am really enjoying the carefree times...but i think it may be time to push the envelope again.

or maybe not.

time will be the judge of that one.

T

crossing fingers!!!!

omg this day is sooo big. this could be the beginning of the rest of my life pretty much. I am waiting to hear back from the job that i had my second interview with yesterday. It felt like it went really well and and if i get the job i start on monday! which will be sooo sweet! i'm reallly excited for this. I am really hoping that I snipe this opportunity! Thank god for linkedin...that's how they found me...i was starting to think that that thing was pretty worthless but i totally change my mind! what an awesome network that thing is when it is used to its full potential! ahhh crazy! newhooo wish me luckk! cross your fingers and toes!

day seven.

so it's been seven days since a certain someone has decided that i am not worth talking to over a stupid dilemma that isnt even my fault. I am frustrated beyond belief, annoyed, irritated, well...i guess you all get the point. all in all i am none too pleased. however; as i was sitting around thinking about what a bummer it is, i couldn't help but think about how many times i sit in a position just like this, or similar to this and it's time to face it...most of the time it is just simply not worth stressing over.

easier said than done?

i think not.

why do we always think that the things that are best for us are easier said that done to achieve? It is almost like we live in a world where we think that we should be punished for things just because we all know that no one is perfect. So because nobody is perfect we make excuses for the things that go wrong and the people that cause them, giving second chances, faking romances, when in fact we shouldn't be doing this at all. what we shoudld be doing is realizing how much we do in fact deserve and then never settling for anything less than that. what on earth is the point of allowing yourself to feel shitty at the mercy of someone elses actions, immature actions at that.

As intelligent humans, we all know when we have done something wrong. To accept that and to own up to it is already a huge thing on its own but it is to actually mean it that means the most. And being genuine about whatever your issue is, shines through beyond anything and enables people to forgive you.

Don't get my wrong, my point here is not to say that we should never forgive, i actually cannot say that I am one to believe in grudges or hold them at all. What I am saying is that it is important to forgive for the right reasons, know why you are forgiving, and know that the apology is genuine. However, it is not okay to let just anyone be worthy of your forgiveness. I feel like there needs to be a point where you draw the line for self respect.

It seems as though i have been blinded too many times, thought i've known somebody, thought they actually understood me and then boom. you're blindsided, left without a clue and are expected to wait until they are ready to make it better. This concept is not only ridiculous to me because it is happening now, but more ridiculous because i have let it happen before and i refuse to let it happen again.

Ignoring and avoiding a situation does not make anything better. It adds frustration and hatred to a situation that could EASILY be avoided if both parties decided to be adults at the same time. If this is an issue now, who's to say that it won't be one in the future? even bigger in nature?

As much as people tell me this situation can be saved, and that things will work out, i can't help but ask myself if that is what i really want. Do i really want to go back to a situation where something is held over my head and thrown in my face when the time comes? Something that could have easily been avoided with a little compromise? By day seven i feel as though i should be moving past not running in place; and the only reason why i am running in place is because i cannot discuss my issue with the other party.

So at the end of the day i ask you this..

Will day seven be the day that you finally let yourself deserve better?

the longest road.

crushing on these lyrics right nowwww.

Giddy up and go
We'll go so far as we please

Giddy up and gold mine
Different place, different time
All the stars are in their prime
Pastel trailer park, stars so bright to hide the dark
All is quiet in the yard

Giddy up and gold dust, all the cars turn to rust
You've got no means for wanderlust
Pastel trailer park, stars so bright to hide the dark
All is quiet in the yard

If you are so frequently in love
If you prefer it all to me then my love
You go down the longest road to nowhere
You pull it apart and you're just left there

Giddy up and gold mine, horse dust down time
Its my life, its my time, we've been gettin' nowhere
Gold mine, different place, different time
Hold me down, Hold me down
Hope will be found, Follow me

If you are so frequently in love
If you prefer it all to me then my love
You go down the longest road to nowhere
You pull it apart and your just left there

They're waiting for it, you're waiting for it
And you're waving in it, and you're craving in it
If you fill my cup with all you must
To speak from something

If you are so frequently in love
If you prefer it all to me then my love
You go down the longest road to nowhere
You pull it apart and your just left there
You go down the longest road to nowhere
You pull it apart and your just left there.

bummer.

there's only so long i can be bummed.
ive learned how to deal with this shit now.
i dunno if it's worse that i can deal with it or that it keeps happening.
i keep picking the wrong people.
hoping that this time it will be different.
but let's face it. flaws eventually become flaws you have to deal with and later becomes today and there is nothing you can do to fix it.
f m l
royally.

let's go BLUE JAYS!

this is about to be my summmerrr. blue jays games and 3.50 pints at the loose moose! UMMM yes pleaseee! this is me and danielle :)

miscommunication station.

alright...so i'm on my way to peterborough again tomorrow for the second weekend in a row...last weekend..well just thursday and friday, oh and i guess a bit of saturday was rowdyyyy. I woke up to glasses of wine, beer, and well...the unthinkable really.

actually unthinkable, cuz i don't remember much. expect for making some decisons I am well aware now that I should not have.

It's weird. when you have a certain connection with someone and you've had it for going on five years. OMG now that i think of it...5 years is RIDICULOUS. over the top. EXTENSIVE, EXCESSIVE. i can't believe that i just put it into perspective like that...basically when you have an ongoing understanding with someone its so hard to break away from it. even when you think uve fallen for other people, and oftentimes you don't even have to convince urself that ur over the 5 year fling you just know that you are...that is...until you see the person again. This is exactly what happened to me. im weak. i caved. and i have someone else who i know all in all that i connect with just as well if not better. I guess it's a matter of who is around at what time. Peterborough was a time that shouldnt have happened. I already know what is at stake. We get too emotionally attached to one another and we take turns doing it. For a couple of years I was the one that wanted so much more, wanted to make things work, wanted more than just the fling and now it's the other way around which is insane cuz now i totally know how he felt and he totally knows how i felt.

anyway, ill spare everyone, including myself and my brain that just seems to be voming thru my fingertips onto this blog. so anyway, point being i fell into the trap again and fuelled this almost 5 year fling. I guess they arent called flings after years ehh...its just messed up cuz i know how much i like this other guy. it is ridic...in all reality were sooo good for each other but the distance just kills it. I am sooo not willing to do long distance again after my first go at things..it wasn't so...well...lets just say it didnt end well. nevertheless, i know it would be different this time around but i simply dont want a boyfriend. There were times where i thought that i was just trying to convince myself of it...but no. I actually mean it now...I cant see the good that can come out of a relationship for me right now. i am in a stage right now where i just want to be selfish and do my own thing and not have to worry enough for two people. it's just pointless right now. I want to be able to not feel bad if im just having a good time and happen to be attracted to someone else...

the problem is that i want the best of both worlds. and I hate myself for it (k whoa hate is strong) but i feel like i shud be able to take what i dish right. But for some reason at times i styll feel guilty about things..like my actions in peterborough last weekend...i had to come home and tell someone that i really care about over msn that i made bad choices and read all about his disappointment when really i caused it all. But he has too much pride to admit, i have too much pride to admit that i feel bad cuz that just leads to "the convo" the convo that i dont want to have that determines things. I have to breakdown everything im thinking and after seeing my rambling i dont think that such a good idea...in face its a great way of pushing ppl away that i claim to care about. fml.

the plan is that i have to go to peterborough and just have a good time. just have fun. but not too much fun. How do u explain to someone that u care about them so much that you dont want to be with them. and that u styll like them so much that u dont wanna tell them. and that u styll fall for someone else everytime u see them but it means nothing. it means so little that u risk it anyway for someone who means everything.

sooo much food for thought that i'm full just looking at this.

long time no see.

k i am so gunna do a better job of writing in this more often. I have been so busy doing things that don't really matter...like blue jays home openers, having 3.50 pints, working, applying...k wait...that's all super important..work and play haha but so much has been going on! went to peterborough last weekend...umm may or may not have done things i shud regret but dont really. yeah. good for me. it's a neverending cycle it seems and as im a couple of glasses of red wine deep, the more i justify my behaviour to myself. Good thing it's styll an antioxidant, at least I'm doing something right, right? hahaha so got in a lil tiff with jay today...can't really say that it was my happiest moment. but who would say that neway. It was just stupid. I guess i could blame a lot of it on me just trying to push my opinion and thoughts and a small amount on my slight annoyance and jealousy. I'm not even that jealous of a person. I know people say that only to make themselves seem less jealous but I'm being serious. There is nothing that this gurl has on me...I already know where i stand with my situation, it's just the fact that it keeps getting brought up and i keep wanting to get rid of it as soon as possible and I guess my eagerness gets intimidating and is too much for him to handle. whatever.

enough of that. soooo rugby practice #1 was today...i missed it and I'm not going to till next week, it's just pre season and i need to make sure that i'm in good enough shape after my three year hiatus. fml capital letters. But it should be fine. I just may have to play a new position and I don't know how stoked I am about that but whatever, it's gunna be a great summer and I'm stoked to visit out west and see my lovess especially walker who i MISS more and more each day! love that kids life..but actually in a platonic way obvi event tho ppl spread madd rumours about us.

Gunna go to a movie with the sis tomorrow and i have to jog in the morn so i shud really get off this thing. I will keep yall posted obviously. good to be back...who knew that lil rants could go so farrrr. will post pics and vids soon.

muchhh loveee!

Song Obsession Alert!

oh and one more thing. totally obsessed with this song by ellie goulding. here are the lyrics! ahhh

I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping up the strength I need to push me

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine them when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone '
Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine them when I'm alone Home

Noises, I play within my head
Touch my own skin and hope they'll still be there
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept
In another place the only time I feel safe

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine them when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone
'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine them when I'm alone
Home Yeah, hee Light, lights, lights,
lights Light, lights, lights, lights Light, lights, l
ights, lights Light, lights

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine them when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone
'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine them when I'm alone

Home, home Light, lights, lights, lights Light,
lights, lights, lights Home, home Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights Home, home Light, lights,
lights, lights Light, lights, lights, lights Home, home
Light, lights, lights, lights Light, lights, lights, lights

pre-warning.

well it's safe to say that the upcoming weekend is going to be rather special! eric and annes beedays of course a day after one another. don't u just hate when beedays start fallin days after one another and u don't know if or when the celebration will end? haha such is life (sorryforpartying) haha! so the camera is going to start coming out. all jokes aside. me and greener have realized that our friends are absolutely out of control and no one even knows it! maybe we need to start putting up webisodes so that people know what living/loving life is alll about. downtown for 2 nights this week is going to be magnifff. love the party scene hate the travel costs but i actually don't have to worry about that nemore! what i do have to worry about is sorting out my lil situation i have. too many hommes. too lil temps. i dunno why i tried to do half english and french there something just straight up came over me. like right at that very instant. lol i have this issue where every guy that ive ever been involved with or had a crush on at any point; they all just flock back into my life at the same time. i use the word flock because it is way more appropriate than u even realize. haha. neway i am now in a like love...hexagon? dammit going back to geometry. rough. but the good thing is that none of it is too serious. except for a couple hahaha i dont even know how i get myself into these situations constantly. i think the fact that i will be staying here for the summer is going to shine a little light on reality. just a tad tho. i will be playing rugby!! FINALLY! and i will be getting shammmed but most importantly i will be spending time with my besties for the 1st time in 3 summers....i dont even know what that could bring about. like serious amazing times. the more i let go of waterton the more excited i get about this! and every year i hit up waterton i come back with a new boy situation or a new lil bf so this way im just sticking to the new evils of toronto! but less drama because i wont be living in four streets (no exagg.) so this will be good. great actually! gotta rise and shine early tomorrow..by early i mean before 12 so im gunna get goinggg! i took way to long to write my new post, such a slack artist. it wont happen again. seriously...mainly because i cant stop talking on a regular basis so there is no real excuse to be missing days haha. loveeee.

nothing.

i have done nothing today but eat food and watch the olympics. some would call that a meaningless day but it was fabbbb. to be honest i should be in bed right now but it is easy to see that I am not sleeping since I am writing this. I am just chillin listening to lady danville who by the way are AMAZING!! everyone should listen to them...so chill. I did today decide that I may see what banff is saying. I am going to fill out my online interview (yeah the world these days so lazy...really ur too busy that I have to do my own interview ONLINE? its like those self checkouts at loblaws...so off topic so moving on..lol) I talked to my girlfriend Michelle today...mind u she is not actually my girlfriend but we just say that were gf's cuz we act like it...but i told her to apply and if i have someone to go with it may not be so bad after all. However, i do want to focus on my new business with arydss and get this job with steam whistle and play rugby this summer...yeah i pretty much have it all planned out. I am all over the place tho...something that is easy to find out...I change my mind a lot...ppl know this about me and either hate it or hate it a lot lol but its one of those flaws u have to learn to love..afterall i have to deal with it the most and sometimes its even fun not knowing which door ur gunna open next and where it will take u. I guess that the best part about life...not planning out ur every move i feel like u get more out of it that way. so far so good. I have to drive my sissy to the hospital tomorrow so I should prolly call it a night! I love how this is entitled 'nothing' yet my nothing seems to be endless words long. leave it to me.

brutal loss & good news.

alright so it totally sucked that we lost that game against the us. i was soooo decked out but what can ya do. THANK HEAVENS we have loooouuuuuuu in for this next game he sure earned it! I am going to have to go somewhere tomorrow to cheer my lil heart out and this time those boys need to come out on top. Thank God our ladies are doing a great job too!! two gold possibilties against the same rivals? so possible! anyway Canada go another gold medal today in ice dance! sweeeet! lil crush scott moir (not gunna lie) he is such a sweetheart and they make such a cute couple...they are totally gunna date soon. anyway aside from all this olympics talk (i know its hard for me to stray cuz im so obsessed) BUTT i got an interview with steamwhistle!! and i am also starting my own business! I'm super excited about both of these things its a) about time i start working for myself and motivating myself and b) its time that i stay in toronto and make things happen instead of sticking with the comfort of going out west to work where its the same ol everytime. eat.work.drink.blackout.passout.wake up.forget.repeat. like noooo thanks. maybe a way more sober summer one filled with oh i dunno, substance. haha and not substance abuse. i dunno i think im finally at that point in life where i just wanna giver back home see what torontos saying have a good time and do what i love and oh yeah. DIE from allergies. GAH this has to be the worst thing that comes to mind. so humid so allergic and drowsy medication. will i pull thru? well yeah, i have to. theres no turning back now...im not filling out my appy for the fairmont in banff and that way I am leaving myself no choice but to be successful here. shud prolly wrap it up for today this was longer than i expected.

p.s. (to myself which is weird but whatever) i found this cheetah lingerie that i had and am now wearing it hahaha but heres the kicker. it was my outfit for scary spice in like 2008 summer for halloween in july. i find that hilarious and priceless that i wore this out in public and even more ridiculous that i found it and put it on. thanks winners lethbridge. you are so versatile baaahaaa

Big Game Day!!

today is my bestie Courtney's beeday! she's turning 23 and has gotten past the year of the terrible twos..however; i am styll living in that year. Some joy in having a late birthday..you don't experience the anxiety of getting older quite as quickly as everyone else and then when you finally start feeling it everyone has gone thru it already and make u feel like it's no big deal...which it probably isn't to be honest. As much as I am at a road block in life right now figuring out what I want to do, do I want to go out west and work in the hospitality industry or do I want to start real life have a fun job that I really enjoy in my major. The answer seems obvious doesn't it? I feel like i associate getting a real job, well a major job with getting old..and maybe i shud just be associating it with getting real. Going after what I know that I want instead of trying to stick with what I know is comfortable. That's exactly what it is. Anyway, aside from all that it is MENS HOCKEY DAY! teammmm canada! these boys have got to bring it. It's been weird watching them and seeing the lack of chemistry that they have...I know they are capable of sooo much more! and they need to show it today, the USA wants it baddd they want to win it again and Team Canada has to come together as the awesome individual players that they are and flowwwwwww. I've been crossing the fingies and I will be very decorated in Team Canada clothing. It worked for the World Juniors so I'm hoping that it works now!!...come on boysssss. bring it home! Don't know where I'll be tonight, but I'll be near a tv losing my voice, cheering on Canada, and celebrating Courtz beeday. (with my cape on) baaahaha oh how i wish Jay was here to wear his with me ;)

Canada Eh.

really didn't know that saying the word 'eh' was that big of a deal. seriously. they are doing full out clips on how we use the word at the olympics? out west they tend to say 'hey' instead of eh i think. anywho a clip for that.

http://video.ca.msn.com/watch/video/are-you-going-to-watch-this-video-eh/17y7a4adn