so much has happened i don't even know where to begin.
some things all too shocking. some things that could have been pre determined. however; the point being that the past month has taught me one thing if nething at all. never get too comfortable.
sometimes you can be pleasantly surprised by the outcomes of situations. Sometimes it was the closure you needed all along or an opening to a door that you never knew existed.
Which brings me to a really interesting point here. What is the facisination with the idea of closure? I know that many people like to think that without closure from another individual, we have some sort of barrier that keeps us from moving on. And my question is...Are we in fact our own barriers?
I mean we need a few sentences that are strung together perfectly in order to have the ability to say..alright. NOW i can move on. couldn't we cut the bullshit and just do this all on our own? Do we really need the asshole, or the jerk, or even the shitty friend to make up what they think you want to hear in order for us to enable ourselves to move on?
I think that the main thing here is that we are obsessed with the concept of moving on, showing that we could move on, and proving to that person or that situation that they no longer bare the significance that they once did.
If i'm not mistaken, that very act of verification just throws us right back to where we didn't want to be. We begin to praise ourselves for how far we've come, and how little we think about certain things or people anymore, all while thinking about them?
So in short, is closure just a temporary fix for a bursting wound?, a bandaid when you need stitches?
I am guilty as well for believing in something that I thought would help me eventually move on. The times that worked the best were actually the times when I accepted the situation for what it was and dealt with it. Is it really necessary to get the rephrasing of the same result, label it as closure, and then start your healing process?
Speaking of being guilty. I will be on my way to Alberta as of august. sounds lovely right? I am torn between three people and having to make time to see all of them. I really was going to see walker the whole time but I just NEED to see jay. and let's just say when I told walker this, he wasn't exactly thrilled.
Here's the thing. I totally don't want to be that girl that runs along and see her boy while she should be visting her bestie that she hasn't seen since effing october. However, there is so much that I need to see Jay for, so much we need to work out and discuss and as much as I would love to spend all this time with Walker, I think that he should be a little more understanding.
Basically he's stated that it's my vacation. I shouldn't be spending all of this extra time on fixing things with jay and making sure that things are good with us. In a way i do agree, but...I can't just go to Alberta and not see Jay. At this point I don't even know what emotions I'm feeling for seeing him. everything is so all over the place...which is part of the reason why I want to do it. See him, and know finally after 6 months what I want and what I want to do.
Walker calls Jay my broken record. Everytime I say that things will be different this time he says he's heard it all before and honestly, he has. But it is so hard to distinguish the real reason behind this whole walker episode. I know that he's just looking out for his best friend and i don't blame him really. I just feel like I know the situation better than anyone and I know that jay and I have some unfinishess business to settle...bad timing? probably. Now i'm torn. and on top of this Jay and Kevin are fighting?!?! ...this should be interesting trying to have those boys together in one room. fml. until next time...
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