let's go BLUE JAYS!

this is about to be my summmerrr. blue jays games and 3.50 pints at the loose moose! UMMM yes pleaseee! this is me and danielle :)

miscommunication station.

alright...so i'm on my way to peterborough again tomorrow for the second weekend in a row...last weekend..well just thursday and friday, oh and i guess a bit of saturday was rowdyyyy. I woke up to glasses of wine, beer, and well...the unthinkable really.

actually unthinkable, cuz i don't remember much. expect for making some decisons I am well aware now that I should not have.

It's weird. when you have a certain connection with someone and you've had it for going on five years. OMG now that i think of it...5 years is RIDICULOUS. over the top. EXTENSIVE, EXCESSIVE. i can't believe that i just put it into perspective like that...basically when you have an ongoing understanding with someone its so hard to break away from it. even when you think uve fallen for other people, and oftentimes you don't even have to convince urself that ur over the 5 year fling you just know that you are...that is...until you see the person again. This is exactly what happened to me. im weak. i caved. and i have someone else who i know all in all that i connect with just as well if not better. I guess it's a matter of who is around at what time. Peterborough was a time that shouldnt have happened. I already know what is at stake. We get too emotionally attached to one another and we take turns doing it. For a couple of years I was the one that wanted so much more, wanted to make things work, wanted more than just the fling and now it's the other way around which is insane cuz now i totally know how he felt and he totally knows how i felt.

anyway, ill spare everyone, including myself and my brain that just seems to be voming thru my fingertips onto this blog. so anyway, point being i fell into the trap again and fuelled this almost 5 year fling. I guess they arent called flings after years ehh...its just messed up cuz i know how much i like this other guy. it is ridic...in all reality were sooo good for each other but the distance just kills it. I am sooo not willing to do long distance again after my first go at things..it wasn't so...well...lets just say it didnt end well. nevertheless, i know it would be different this time around but i simply dont want a boyfriend. There were times where i thought that i was just trying to convince myself of it...but no. I actually mean it now...I cant see the good that can come out of a relationship for me right now. i am in a stage right now where i just want to be selfish and do my own thing and not have to worry enough for two people. it's just pointless right now. I want to be able to not feel bad if im just having a good time and happen to be attracted to someone else...

the problem is that i want the best of both worlds. and I hate myself for it (k whoa hate is strong) but i feel like i shud be able to take what i dish right. But for some reason at times i styll feel guilty about things..like my actions in peterborough last weekend...i had to come home and tell someone that i really care about over msn that i made bad choices and read all about his disappointment when really i caused it all. But he has too much pride to admit, i have too much pride to admit that i feel bad cuz that just leads to "the convo" the convo that i dont want to have that determines things. I have to breakdown everything im thinking and after seeing my rambling i dont think that such a good idea...in face its a great way of pushing ppl away that i claim to care about. fml.

the plan is that i have to go to peterborough and just have a good time. just have fun. but not too much fun. How do u explain to someone that u care about them so much that you dont want to be with them. and that u styll like them so much that u dont wanna tell them. and that u styll fall for someone else everytime u see them but it means nothing. it means so little that u risk it anyway for someone who means everything.

sooo much food for thought that i'm full just looking at this.

long time no see.

k i am so gunna do a better job of writing in this more often. I have been so busy doing things that don't really matter...like blue jays home openers, having 3.50 pints, working, applying...k wait...that's all super important..work and play haha but so much has been going on! went to peterborough last weekend...umm may or may not have done things i shud regret but dont really. yeah. good for me. it's a neverending cycle it seems and as im a couple of glasses of red wine deep, the more i justify my behaviour to myself. Good thing it's styll an antioxidant, at least I'm doing something right, right? hahaha so got in a lil tiff with jay today...can't really say that it was my happiest moment. but who would say that neway. It was just stupid. I guess i could blame a lot of it on me just trying to push my opinion and thoughts and a small amount on my slight annoyance and jealousy. I'm not even that jealous of a person. I know people say that only to make themselves seem less jealous but I'm being serious. There is nothing that this gurl has on me...I already know where i stand with my situation, it's just the fact that it keeps getting brought up and i keep wanting to get rid of it as soon as possible and I guess my eagerness gets intimidating and is too much for him to handle. whatever.

enough of that. soooo rugby practice #1 was today...i missed it and I'm not going to till next week, it's just pre season and i need to make sure that i'm in good enough shape after my three year hiatus. fml capital letters. But it should be fine. I just may have to play a new position and I don't know how stoked I am about that but whatever, it's gunna be a great summer and I'm stoked to visit out west and see my lovess especially walker who i MISS more and more each day! love that kids life..but actually in a platonic way obvi event tho ppl spread madd rumours about us.

Gunna go to a movie with the sis tomorrow and i have to jog in the morn so i shud really get off this thing. I will keep yall posted obviously. good to be back...who knew that lil rants could go so farrrr. will post pics and vids soon.

muchhh loveee!

Song Obsession Alert!

oh and one more thing. totally obsessed with this song by ellie goulding. here are the lyrics! ahhh

I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping up the strength I need to push me

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine them when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone '
Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine them when I'm alone Home

Noises, I play within my head
Touch my own skin and hope they'll still be there
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept
In another place the only time I feel safe

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine them when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone
'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine them when I'm alone
Home Yeah, hee Light, lights, lights,
lights Light, lights, lights, lights Light, lights, l
ights, lights Light, lights

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine them when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone
'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine them when I'm alone

Home, home Light, lights, lights, lights Light,
lights, lights, lights Home, home Light, lights, lights, lights
Light, lights, lights, lights Home, home Light, lights,
lights, lights Light, lights, lights, lights Home, home
Light, lights, lights, lights Light, lights, lights, lights

pre-warning.

well it's safe to say that the upcoming weekend is going to be rather special! eric and annes beedays of course a day after one another. don't u just hate when beedays start fallin days after one another and u don't know if or when the celebration will end? haha such is life (sorryforpartying) haha! so the camera is going to start coming out. all jokes aside. me and greener have realized that our friends are absolutely out of control and no one even knows it! maybe we need to start putting up webisodes so that people know what living/loving life is alll about. downtown for 2 nights this week is going to be magnifff. love the party scene hate the travel costs but i actually don't have to worry about that nemore! what i do have to worry about is sorting out my lil situation i have. too many hommes. too lil temps. i dunno why i tried to do half english and french there something just straight up came over me. like right at that very instant. lol i have this issue where every guy that ive ever been involved with or had a crush on at any point; they all just flock back into my life at the same time. i use the word flock because it is way more appropriate than u even realize. haha. neway i am now in a like love...hexagon? dammit going back to geometry. rough. but the good thing is that none of it is too serious. except for a couple hahaha i dont even know how i get myself into these situations constantly. i think the fact that i will be staying here for the summer is going to shine a little light on reality. just a tad tho. i will be playing rugby!! FINALLY! and i will be getting shammmed but most importantly i will be spending time with my besties for the 1st time in 3 summers....i dont even know what that could bring about. like serious amazing times. the more i let go of waterton the more excited i get about this! and every year i hit up waterton i come back with a new boy situation or a new lil bf so this way im just sticking to the new evils of toronto! but less drama because i wont be living in four streets (no exagg.) so this will be good. great actually! gotta rise and shine early tomorrow..by early i mean before 12 so im gunna get goinggg! i took way to long to write my new post, such a slack artist. it wont happen again. seriously...mainly because i cant stop talking on a regular basis so there is no real excuse to be missing days haha. loveeee.

nothing.

i have done nothing today but eat food and watch the olympics. some would call that a meaningless day but it was fabbbb. to be honest i should be in bed right now but it is easy to see that I am not sleeping since I am writing this. I am just chillin listening to lady danville who by the way are AMAZING!! everyone should listen to them...so chill. I did today decide that I may see what banff is saying. I am going to fill out my online interview (yeah the world these days so lazy...really ur too busy that I have to do my own interview ONLINE? its like those self checkouts at loblaws...so off topic so moving on..lol) I talked to my girlfriend Michelle today...mind u she is not actually my girlfriend but we just say that were gf's cuz we act like it...but i told her to apply and if i have someone to go with it may not be so bad after all. However, i do want to focus on my new business with arydss and get this job with steam whistle and play rugby this summer...yeah i pretty much have it all planned out. I am all over the place tho...something that is easy to find out...I change my mind a lot...ppl know this about me and either hate it or hate it a lot lol but its one of those flaws u have to learn to love..afterall i have to deal with it the most and sometimes its even fun not knowing which door ur gunna open next and where it will take u. I guess that the best part about life...not planning out ur every move i feel like u get more out of it that way. so far so good. I have to drive my sissy to the hospital tomorrow so I should prolly call it a night! I love how this is entitled 'nothing' yet my nothing seems to be endless words long. leave it to me.

brutal loss & good news.

alright so it totally sucked that we lost that game against the us. i was soooo decked out but what can ya do. THANK HEAVENS we have loooouuuuuuu in for this next game he sure earned it! I am going to have to go somewhere tomorrow to cheer my lil heart out and this time those boys need to come out on top. Thank God our ladies are doing a great job too!! two gold possibilties against the same rivals? so possible! anyway Canada go another gold medal today in ice dance! sweeeet! lil crush scott moir (not gunna lie) he is such a sweetheart and they make such a cute couple...they are totally gunna date soon. anyway aside from all this olympics talk (i know its hard for me to stray cuz im so obsessed) BUTT i got an interview with steamwhistle!! and i am also starting my own business! I'm super excited about both of these things its a) about time i start working for myself and motivating myself and b) its time that i stay in toronto and make things happen instead of sticking with the comfort of going out west to work where its the same ol everytime. eat.work.drink.blackout.passout.wake up.forget.repeat. like noooo thanks. maybe a way more sober summer one filled with oh i dunno, substance. haha and not substance abuse. i dunno i think im finally at that point in life where i just wanna giver back home see what torontos saying have a good time and do what i love and oh yeah. DIE from allergies. GAH this has to be the worst thing that comes to mind. so humid so allergic and drowsy medication. will i pull thru? well yeah, i have to. theres no turning back now...im not filling out my appy for the fairmont in banff and that way I am leaving myself no choice but to be successful here. shud prolly wrap it up for today this was longer than i expected.

p.s. (to myself which is weird but whatever) i found this cheetah lingerie that i had and am now wearing it hahaha but heres the kicker. it was my outfit for scary spice in like 2008 summer for halloween in july. i find that hilarious and priceless that i wore this out in public and even more ridiculous that i found it and put it on. thanks winners lethbridge. you are so versatile baaahaaa